Ah, end users: without them, you probably wouldn’t have you’re glamorous IT service management job, yet you probably entertain fantasies about saying what’s really on your mind when they make life with the IT help desk miserable. Things like these:
1. If you bother us all the time with the same trivial problems, we talk about you behind your back and have a special nickname for you.
2. It’s not my fault you had a problem all week but waited till 4:50 on a Friday to report it, and I’m not working late to fix it.
3. I don’t get paid nearly enough to make sure all the porn/games/illegal files are erased from your machine before your performance review.
4. If you escalate this, the system administrator is going to tell you exactly what I’m telling you. I know this because you’re on speaker phone and he’s sitting next to me making vomiting gestures.
5. That’s nice that you just got your PhD, but it won’t make me treat you any differently from other users.
6. It’s not my fault you thought you’d save time by installing the printer yourself and now it’s totally messed up.
7. When you call me up while eating a bag of Cheetos, I put the phone down because I don’t understand anything you’re saying.
8. How has nobody used duct tape to solve the problem of your constantly-running mouth?
9. In fact, you’re not the only end user I have to help today.
10. We can smell your after shave/perfume two minutes before you get here and it gives us time to look really busy in hopes you’ll go away.
11. You’ve inspired me to want to create a “Taser” app for smartphones.
12. I am not the Psychic Friends Network. You have to actually tell me what the error message says.
13. I’m sorry you typed “.com” instead of “.gov” and accidentally ended up on a porn site, but I still almost fell out of my chair laughing after I closed out your ticket.
14. I have a phone app that rings my phone regularly so I can get out of talking to people like you when you try to snag me in the hallway.
15. That’s nice that you have Apple products at home, but we use Windows at work and you’re just going to have to deal with it (or vice versa).
16. We have to do things differently here at this 1,000-employee workplace than your cousin / son / neighbor does things when he fixes your computer at home.
17. No, I haven’t forgotten what you did with the mistletoe at last year’s holiday party. Nobody has.
18. I cannot and will not create an app that will un-send the dirty email reply you accidently sent using “Reply All.”
19. If you had actually attended any of the many training classes we had on Windows 8 you would know that you actually cantake a screen shot like I’m asking you to.
20. Thank you for being nice to me. (Actually, you could, and perhaps should say this on occasion. It reminds end users that help desk workers are people too.)
Samanage can’t make clueless or rude end users disappear from your life, but we can help you manage their IT service management problems more efficiently, with great features like self-service portals, knowledge base building, and social media integration. When you know a cloud-based help desk software has your back, it’s a lot easier to cope with end users who seem determined to undermine your efforts to help them.