Who among us hasn’t had fantasies of obliterating various computer hardware objects? Or of making them suffer just as they made us suffer with their Blue Screens of Death and inexplicable freeze-ups (which always occurred in the middle of updating huge spreadsheets full of critical data)?
Sometimes giving your computer a stern talking-to just isn’t enough.
Some people do more than dream of ensuring their computers finally getting their comeuppance, simulating and sometimes actually carrying out various methods of computer murder. Here are 5 examples of satisfying ways to destroy old computers.
In a brief minute and a half, you get to watch a stick figure man destroy a desktop computer by means of sledgehammer, explosives, dragging, launching into space, swordplay, lasers, using The Force, nuking from space, installing a lethal virus, and using a steamroller. But wait! You also get a powerful, sobering lesson in what can happen should your computer become self-aware.
While this particular instance of “hacking” had more to do with a husband frequenting certain late-night chat rooms than actual computer malfeasance, the method of execution was unquestionably effective. Kelli Michetti (Machete?) of Ohio, age 29, became enraged at her husband’s hobby of chatting up women online and took matters (and a meat cleaver) into her own hands. When cutting the power cable didn’t do the trick, Michetti unleashed her weapon on the monitor instead. She was charged with domestic violence and fined $200.
This PC execution method carried out in the UK involved a freezer, alcoholic drinks, and a 486 PC minus the motherboard jumpers. When someone accidentally powered up this dinosaur, it ran unbelievably fast — 247 MHz, according to the participant who bothered to check the clock speed. What followed was two and a half to three minutes (depending on who’s telling the story) of exhilarating Halflife game play, after which the processor, motherboard, power supply, sound card, graphics card, and RAM were completely destroyed. The freezer, however, survived.
It could be the most exciting two minutes of your life!
This method of computer destruction involves simply taking a computer apart and putting it back “together” again. The keys to “successfully” dispatching the victim include
- Removing every visible screw and putting each one in a pile with no regard for whence it came
- Using a too-large screwdriver, the better to slip and destroy expansion cards with
- Dropping the occasional screw into the computer housing
- Putting the computer back together again with random screws and tightening them with a level of force required in construction of bridges and skyscrapers
It’s best if you have a few screws left over, to maximize the chances that something isn’t secured properly. Once you fire that baby up, the combination of loose components and random screws near the fan will take care of any parts you haven’t already destroyed.
For this project, you need a few pieces of computer hardware that have been found guilty of making your life miserable by crashing at inopportune times, taking painstaking input data and dispatching it to a black hole, greeting you with a BSOD when you return from lunch after leaving a particularly important process running, and other crimes and misdemeanors. You also need your own arsenal, a large, empty field, and a few friends over, if you’re OK with there being witnesses. Once you’ve executed the guilty hardware via firing squad, you can mount the various trophies on large plaques over your fireplace.
If you have never wanted to wreak vengeance on a piece of computer hardware, you should probably write to the Vatican, because you may qualify for sainthood. However, in the real world, you should remember that computer hardware contains hazardous materials and lots of stuff that can be reused or recycled, so when you’re done mentally entertaining your revenge fantasies, make sure you do the right thing.
About Greg Ghia
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